If It Sounds Like a Dick Joke, It's a Dick Joke
1. Bon: You deserve to have none, you young minx
2. Bon: ‘Tis smooth as oil, sweet as milk…
3. Aim: You’re very exact, I find, in the age of your ale.
Bon: As punctual, sir, as I am in the age of my children.
Aim: At a meal, you mean, if one may guess your sense by your bulk.
Bon: Not in my life, sir: I have fed purely upon ale; I have eat my ale, drank my ale, and I always sleep upon ale.
Bon: She would not let the ale take it’s natural course…
4. Bon: He’s a man of great estate.
Bon: He’s a man of pleasure.
Bon: He wants it here, sir.
Aim: He has it there, you mean?
5. Aim: As to pur hearts, I grant ye, they are as willing tits as any within twenty degrees
6. Bon: And ten to one loves a wench: you must work him t’ other way.
Cher: Father, would you have me give my secret for his?
7. Cher: Will you give me that song, sir?
Arch: Ay, my dear, take it while ‘tis warm.
8. Arch: This is a pretty fair opening of an adventure.
9. Aim: I can't eat beef, Landlord.
10. Arch: the exterior part strikes first, and you're in the right to make that impression favourable.
11. Cher: Pray, father, don't put me upon getting anything out of a man; I 'm but young, you know, father, and I don't understand wheedling.
Bon: Young! why, you jade, as the saying is, can any woman wheedle that is not young? your mother was useless at five-and-twenty. Not wheedle!
12. Gib: I took those from fellows that never show any part of their swords but the hilts
13. Arch: That's my good child, kiss me.
… That’s my dear little scholar, kiss me again.
… And now, my dear, we’ll go in and make my master’s bed.
…Cher: Own your condition, swear you love me, and then –
Arch: And then we shall go make my master’s bed?
14. Archer: I can play with a girl as an angler does with his fish ; he keeps it at the end of his line, runs it up the stream, and down the stream, till at last he brings it to hand, tickles the trout, and so whips it into his basket.
15. Mrs. Sullen: Patience! You country ladies give no quarter, "if once you be entered." Would you prevent their desires, and give the fellows no wishing time?
16. Aim. But how shall I get off without being observed?
Arch. You a lover, and not find a way to get off!—Let me see--
Aim. You bleed, Archer.
17. Lady Boun. Let me see your arm, sir—I must have some powder-sugar to stop the blood.—O me! an ugly gash; upon my word, sir, you must go into bed.
Arch. Ay, my lady, a bed would do very well.—[To Mrs. Sullen.] Madam, will you do me the favour to conduct me to a chamber.
18. I would
have delivered myself into your hands,
19. [Here Archer steals out of a closet behind. with tongue enchanting, eyes bewitching, knees imploring.]
—[Turns a little on one side and sees Archer in the posture she describes.]—Ah!—[Shrieks, and runs to the other side of the stage.] Have my thoughts raised a spirit?—What are you, sir, a man or a devil?
Arch. A man, a man, madam. [Rising.
Mrs. Sul. How shall I be sure of it?
Arch. Madam, I'll give you demonstration this minute.
[Takes her hand.
Mrs. Sul. What, sir! do you intend to be rude?
Arch. Yes, madam, if you please.
20. Arch. Ay, my lady, a bed would do very well.—[To Mrs. Sullen.] Madam, will you do me the favour to conduct me to a chamber.
2. Bon: ‘Tis smooth as oil, sweet as milk…
3. Aim: You’re very exact, I find, in the age of your ale.
Bon: As punctual, sir, as I am in the age of my children.
Aim: At a meal, you mean, if one may guess your sense by your bulk.
Bon: Not in my life, sir: I have fed purely upon ale; I have eat my ale, drank my ale, and I always sleep upon ale.
Bon: She would not let the ale take it’s natural course…
4. Bon: He’s a man of great estate.
Bon: He’s a man of pleasure.
Bon: He wants it here, sir.
Aim: He has it there, you mean?
5. Aim: As to pur hearts, I grant ye, they are as willing tits as any within twenty degrees
6. Bon: And ten to one loves a wench: you must work him t’ other way.
Cher: Father, would you have me give my secret for his?
7. Cher: Will you give me that song, sir?
Arch: Ay, my dear, take it while ‘tis warm.
8. Arch: This is a pretty fair opening of an adventure.
9. Aim: I can't eat beef, Landlord.
10. Arch: the exterior part strikes first, and you're in the right to make that impression favourable.
11. Cher: Pray, father, don't put me upon getting anything out of a man; I 'm but young, you know, father, and I don't understand wheedling.
Bon: Young! why, you jade, as the saying is, can any woman wheedle that is not young? your mother was useless at five-and-twenty. Not wheedle!
12. Gib: I took those from fellows that never show any part of their swords but the hilts
13. Arch: That's my good child, kiss me.
… That’s my dear little scholar, kiss me again.
… And now, my dear, we’ll go in and make my master’s bed.
…Cher: Own your condition, swear you love me, and then –
Arch: And then we shall go make my master’s bed?
14. Archer: I can play with a girl as an angler does with his fish ; he keeps it at the end of his line, runs it up the stream, and down the stream, till at last he brings it to hand, tickles the trout, and so whips it into his basket.
15. Mrs. Sullen: Patience! You country ladies give no quarter, "if once you be entered." Would you prevent their desires, and give the fellows no wishing time?
16. Aim. But how shall I get off without being observed?
Arch. You a lover, and not find a way to get off!—Let me see--
Aim. You bleed, Archer.
17. Lady Boun. Let me see your arm, sir—I must have some powder-sugar to stop the blood.—O me! an ugly gash; upon my word, sir, you must go into bed.
Arch. Ay, my lady, a bed would do very well.—[To Mrs. Sullen.] Madam, will you do me the favour to conduct me to a chamber.
18. I would
have delivered myself into your hands,
19. [Here Archer steals out of a closet behind. with tongue enchanting, eyes bewitching, knees imploring.]
—[Turns a little on one side and sees Archer in the posture she describes.]—Ah!—[Shrieks, and runs to the other side of the stage.] Have my thoughts raised a spirit?—What are you, sir, a man or a devil?
Arch. A man, a man, madam. [Rising.
Mrs. Sul. How shall I be sure of it?
Arch. Madam, I'll give you demonstration this minute.
[Takes her hand.
Mrs. Sul. What, sir! do you intend to be rude?
Arch. Yes, madam, if you please.
20. Arch. Ay, my lady, a bed would do very well.—[To Mrs. Sullen.] Madam, will you do me the favour to conduct me to a chamber.